Here I am a mommy all over again...Only this time I watch from a distance....With amazement and sadness at the same time.....I wish I could be there for all of them....there is so much healing to be done...I can see it in each of their eyes when we talk on Skype...I see each of them trying to hold things together but I know they are just in survival mode...This jounrey alone seems to be taking a toll on them all...Jael is making so many sacrafices...She really has put her own needs on hold to tend to Aria..Brian said he feels guilty asking so much of Jael..He feels at times like she is playing the mom...all the while surpressing her feelings and emotions...Aria is always smiling and laughing but there is this sadness in her eyes that I cant explain...When I am talking to Brian she always appears in the background and just blankly stares at me...It is the same look of awe I remember from our first orphanage visit with her...Then there is my dear husband...He is so drained from trying to be all things to these girls and making sure each one has their needs attended to, but he is slowly realizing this is defintiely a 2 person job...I can see how it is wearing on him and it is breaking my heart...Please be praying for our family since the hardest day will be the orphanage visit...Brian will kill me for saying this but he really is an emotional guy and this visit will be extremely hard on him and the girls...I usually balance him out...Lui Ai Ping will be there and she is inviting some of Jael's old teacher's etc..Jael gave her a list of people she wanted to see there..I am sure it will be quite the production...

So as they press on..I have been reflecting alot on where I was and where I am today...The thing I think about the most is how God has changed my heart through this process...

In the beginning there was no greater desire in my life than to experience pregnancy and the birth of a child who is half me and half my husband, yet still a unique individual unlike any other person on this earth.

My worst fear was never conceiving and giving birth to that baby I had dreamed about since childhood.

There was never any doubt in my mind of what I wanted to be when I grew up.

A wife and a mother.

Infertility literally rocked my world and turned everything upside down.

At the time, I really could not understand why God would create me to be so fascinated with pregnancy and childbirth, with this deep burning desire to experience pregnancy and the birth of my baby, and then not allow it to happen.

I cannot pin point the exact moment in time when I chose to surrender but I can tell you where I expected turmoil in my heart, there was complete and utter peace.

It really is the strangest thing because never in a million years did I ever expect to feel peace in my heart about the possibility of never being pregnant.

I’ve lived thinking there couldn’t possibly be anything better than all that and now here I am discovering that before I took my first breath God had something more planned for me.

The one word that comes to mind when I think about what God has done through my infertility is " A Miracle."

Actually, make that two miracles.